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vaalski

July 2012

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vaalski: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day Ten: One confession


1. It is a whole lot easier to destroy me and my confidence than I'd like to admit. I will always stand back up, I will always be alright in the end--but when I love people, they can wreck me in a way that is horrifying. And it scares the hell out of me. I panic very easily when I think I'm about to be left, to be pulled down, and I hate it. Sometimes I cut people out, before they can cut me out.
vaalski: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession


I dun know! I'm a writer, I can't sum things up like that. 


1. :D

2. -.-


(The first one is happy, because my life is excellent, with my boy and everything, and the second one is TIRED. Because I am so tired.)
vaalski: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.

Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession


Noting before I start that not all of these are actually REQUIRED to date me or have me want you or anything. They're just things that make me wriggly. 

1. Be an extraordinary dancer. Dance with intensity and skill and ferocity. Know how to use your body to flirt and beckon and entice. I've been caught over and over with this, mostly at contra. Just. My god. So sexy. 

2. Smell excellent. I recognize there's nothing most people can really, uh, do about this, but scent is a major turn on for me. Mitch smells wonderful and it makes me wish to put my nose in the curve of his neck and stay there forever.

3. Take control, and tease. 
vaalski: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.

Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession


1. Unconscionable cruelty. Cruelty that is NOT the quick brutal sudden strike that soon fades, happens only once in a while, is quickly regretted. Cruelty that lasts. Cruelty to animals.

2. Making me feel weird or unattractive or awkward in my body. This isn't something that's restricted to lovers; there are people who are good at striking others down through comments about clothes or shape. That's a bitch move.

3. Speaking sexually, not letting me reciprocate. I mean--sometimes it's fun to just get and not give, yeah? It can be even sexier, even more intimate, to wait and let tension build until the next time. But over the long run, I want to be able to please my partner too; I don't want to feel like they don't want me to touch them. I've felt that. That's awful.

4. Disparaging my beliefs, my background, my family, and my religion. I am a Roman-Catholic transcendentalist who believes that god is in nature and God is in ritual and that we are all equal in the One. I come from an upper-middle-class family of Irish-Italian Catholics who make it a point to get new clothes for Easter Mass and new coats for Christmas Mass because that's what's Done no matter how much money you have. I'm deeply tied to the traditions of my family and culture. If you're going to insult any of that that then get out of my bed, get out of my room, get out of my life. 
vaalski: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession



The people (outside my family) who mean the world to me are Mitch, Melissa, Meg, Toby, and Victoria. The first three are as instinctive as breathing (it's always going to be my SO and my two best friends); the last two have the potential to vary by year and time of life. 
vaalski: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession




1. Allowed Cris to continue controlling my life after she called it over between us.

2. Become Talia as deeply as I did.

3. Slept with Clara. 

4. Changed the title of "Envoi" to "Happiness" in my Independent Study. 

5. Taken over Women of Dené.

6. Broken my ankle. (Does that count? It was out of my control)


(I really had to struggle with this; I simply don't regret significant things too often.)
vaalski: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession


1. "What the hell did I do with __________? It was just in my hand, I was holding it and then I put it down, now where the fuck is it?"

2. "How did this guy ever pass his medical exams, he types like a five year old. If you can't capitalize your name correctly I think your submission should be rejected on principle---my god, he spelled his own university wrong, I am so glad this man is not my doctor."

3. "Is that bump on the back of my head cancer? Ow, my stomach hurts.  I'm going to die of appendicitis."

4. "Why isn't it 3:30 yet, I want to text Mitchell but he's at work and can't answer. Sadface."

5. "What do I want to eat? Maybe Sarah will tell me. ...from DC."

6. "Where's the bus? What is wrong with the subway system?"

7. "What should I read next?" 

 

vaalski: (Default)
 Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession


1. Love something and love it hard. Teach it to me, or just tell me all about it with fire and passion and affection. Love it almost more than you love me. Throw yourself into things and pull me after. 

2. Make me laugh, laugh with me, even laugh at me sometimes.

3. Accept and embrace that I am snarky, weird, talkative, and queer. Understand that these are things that give me joy and meaning. Encourage them. 

4. Be who you really are, and don't try to lie about it. I am who I am, almost always, and I am generally unapologetic. I don't mind if you have a bad side - hey, so do I - as long as it does not control you, and you do your best with it. Show me all your flaws and all your shining glorious parts, everything excellent and embarrassing.

5. Love animals. Be stupid in your affection with them. (This includes things such as entering a room with a cat in it, throwing up your arms, and saying joyfully, "You're a kitty!")

6.  When I'm sad, hold me, let me cry, and let me talk. 

7. Get bizarre references. You filth wizard.

8. Be able to sit with me and read. That's all. No talking. This one is why I love Victoria so totally; she can sit with me and a book and be silent for hours, with the occasional sharing of a sentence or two. It's one of my favorite ways to be with people. 


vaalski: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession



1. I tend to be a bit of a contradiction in terms. I can't stand inflexiblity, but I can be brutally, piggishly stubborn. I expect people to change but I tend to be stuck in my ways. I love very fiercely, but I hate very fiercely too. I will use arguing tactics against people and then turn on them when they're used against me. I already know these things about myself. Telling me about them and expecting me to feel guilt or apologize just won't work.

2. Perhaps eight times out of ten I won't apologize about things unless I feel like I was actually wrong. This makes me very, very good at my job, which involves being extremely firm with doctors who believe they are never wrong about anything, ever. They want me to take responsibility for their mistakes, and that's something I Do Not Do. I think it's part of why I was hired, actually. However, this occasionally makes people think I am a twat. Oh well.

3. I know very quickly when I'm going to trust someone. Usually I am not incorrect, although I've had exceptions to this. My closest friends--for example Meg, Melissa, Toby, Sarah, Jim, Caroline, and Victoria--are all people I instantaneously put my trust and faith in. I make this decision fast and it's hard to explain.

4. I am the most awesome and the best. My self confidence is appalling. I haven't always been quite so horrifyingly sure of my own self-worth, but I'm pretty sure that's what was at the bottom of being able to pull out of the unhappiness after Cris, and my general good mental health. I know I deserve good things. I deserve to be happy. If people think I'm worthless, I know they're wrong. Not think--I know. (As some of you may have noticed, my only blind spot to this tends to be with occasional significant others or exes, and my mother. When someone really, really knows me, they know what buttons to push. But even then, I am always back up on my feet pretty fast. Because I'm fucking awesome.)

5. I have a borderline phobia of washing dishes. I arch my body away from the sink and every muscle gets tense and it stresses me out enormously. But I have to do it.

6. I prefer my pizza plain, my hamburgers and hotdogs ketchup-less, and my pasta without sauce (but with plenty of butter and cheese). However, I love horseradish sauce and relish and onions on everything. I don't get it either. There are certain tastes I'm just fussy about having the same all the time.

7. I really don't like showers. They feel like a waste of time, I hate getting wet and then taking for-fucking-ever to dry off and get my hair dry, you have to take them like, every other day and how boring is that, and washing my hair is a pain, and I could be USING THOSE FIFTEEN MINUTES BETTER, DAMMIT. Jim (my boy) thinks I am insane. Toby thinks I am insane. In fact I suspect most people are a little baffled by this one. 

8. I'm awful at lists. All lists.

9. I talk to an incorporeal hyena named Sagolin, a genderqueer lady named Ruth who lives in my head, and an invisible Utahraptor named Red. I do this in a sane, calm, regular manner, like you'd talk to your friend on the street. Occasionally I talk to them out loud, but mostly it's inside the confines of my own mind. I speak primarily in color and feelings and emotion with Sagolin, in plain English with Ruth, and in the common velociraptor dialect, mixed with some larger (mega- and utah-) raptor vocabulary to Red. This is a thing I have always done and will probably always do, albeit with different entities each time.
 
vaalski: (Default)
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession



1. It frightens me sometimes how much I love you, and I sometimes almost give in to the desire to take a giant step backwards and pretend none of this is happening. I don't know what my future will look like, but I want you in it. Sleeping against your back makes me never want to sleep alone again, holding your hand on the street makes me meet everyone else's eyes a little squarer and say in my head, This is my boy and y'all are just jealous. Think about what you wanted--think about what could be--think about how I love you!--Say you'll move in with me. (And soon you will, and I am crazy with the joy of it.) 

2. I'm not in love but I love you. I think it's weird and sort of sad that a lot of people think there's only two kinds of love - romantic and familial -  in the world. I love that you can make my eyeballs hurt with time paradoxes in children's movies, that I can sleep with you (and sleep with you ;D) and it's nothing more than two friends become lovers for a little time, and then returning to friendship. I'm okay with that. 

3. I can't stand you and I don't know how they do either. Grow the fuck up.

4. You are nowhere near good enough for him. 

5. She isn't good enough for you, but if you're happy and healthy in mind and body and soul, I will support you every step of the way, I will go to your wedding and dandle your children on my knee and love you right straight through. But please be sure. 

6. TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

7. I miss you more than I expected to :/ I liked living with you, I liked sharing my children's books and just sitting together in the quiet, without any tension in the air to push speech, without any need for concern that I should be saying something. I had to learn that quiet. I miss it.

8. You'd think I would have gotten used to the 2000 miles between us by now, but it hurts just as much today as it did the day you left.

9. Ten years ago last Saturday we met at horse judging. I am not free of you yet, but the hold you have on my life and psyche is weakening and soon I will break it forever. I will put you aside! As I should have put you aside a score of seasons past. 

10. I loved dating you. But I'm glad we broke up, and I'm glad we're still friends. 
vaalski: (Default)
 Gray Goose Winter

Snow falls like eiderdown and so do I. 
White ices fenceposts and my feathers.
I snap my wings out wide and drop
into space. My flock is already gone. 

White ices fenceposts and my feathers. 
It's hard, keeping aloft -- the cold presses me
into space; my flock is already gone. 
Some far south, some below the snow. 

It's hard. Keeping aloft, the cold presses me.
Either way I will not see them again --
some far south. Some beneath the snow.
I tilt my wings and plummet down.

Either way I won't see them again. 
There will be no last migration. 
I tilt my wings and plummet down. 
The ground is hard, the river ice. 

There will be no last migration.
I snap my wings out wide and drop.
The ground is hard. The river, ice. 
Snow falls, like eiderdown. And so do I.
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vaalski: (Default)
 This is the peace in waiting: knowing
you will come home. That soon
I will hear your hand against the door, your step
gentle on the floorboards, careful
of any creak -- the night is cold and empty
until you slip in beside me, fingers
gentle across the line
of my hip and belly, communication
in the dark, love 
humming skin-to-skin like bass
notes played down low, until
all our angles lie in parallel, and the room
is warm and I can sleep.   
vaalski: (Default)
 "Remember, remember,
the Fifth of November,
gunpowder, treason and plot...

Ben, can you complete the doggerel?"

"Um. Let me see. Hmm. No, I have it.
I see no reason
why gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot.

There."

"It'll serve. There: now, we'll teach it to that urchin, and he'll teach it to his friends, and it'll last a hundred years..."

"I doubt it."
vaalski: (Default)
I was only ever frightened once. I was nervous coming out to my parents, but by that point I’d been in college for half a year, gotten a girlfriend, come out to professors. It no longer felt unnatural to say it: I like girls. And also by that time the truth was crashing forward like waves running up a beach, like the tide, and all I did was yield to the inevitable rush of water, let myself be carried like foam. And yes, perhaps I was afraid, but it was a fear that washed through me and away.

Not like the night I said it for the first time, out loud, two months after I kissed a girl who was not Cristina, the one who made me wonder and who I still don’t know if I wanted as friend or lover, and so avoided saying something that would pin me down. But by my senior year I knew, and knowing makes you want to tell, it pressures you like being underwater does, makes you feel like rising to the open air.

And so I turned my face up to the surface. The problem was that the girl I most wanted to tell – someone I loved, respected, admired, certainly one of my best friends in this small town – was the person I least wanted to lose. And I was terrified I would. It took all night to tell her, and I shook the whole time, because I was forcing the words out, struggling to reveal myself like the way a swimmer struggles when they’re down too far and in too deep, straining upwards towards sunlight, towards oxygen.

I shook so hard that she told me later, I thought you were going to tell me you were dying. It was that bad. I was that scared. I remember lying curled in on myself, tremors all through my body, facing the wall, and all I needed to say and all I said was just I’m gay. And then tears, salt like the sea, as she stared at me and said, That’s all? I thought something was really wrong. Relief, like water quenching thirst. I spent an hour crying and explaining, the words coming easy, and each one was easier to speak. The fear ebbing. By the next week I had come out – much more quietly – to all my high school friends, and no one was anything but supportive, amused that it had taken me this long.

When I talk of coming out I talk of water. Being in the closet feels like drowning. The same panic, the inability to breathe. And coming out is like rising to the surface, and riding the waves to shore, where you can stand and know that you are free. And finally draw breath.
vaalski: (Default)
 If anyone crossposts ANY COMMENT they make to their facebook, I'll kill them.


You should disable it.
vaalski: (Default)
 this is all i want to be, hand
underneath a horse's chin, nose
against his nose, forehead
to forehead, feeling
the sturdiness of bone beneath.
vaalski: (Default)
The water thrusts me towards it, until
I am ankle-knee-hip deep,
mouth already tasting salt, hands
cupping up the liquid as if
there is no other choice, small ripples
cresting on my skin, muscles
tight and shivering against the cold, sand
pulling at bare feet, reluctant toes. It takes
everything not to fall down into buoyancy, let
the ocean overtake me, 
waves breaking down a body
(no more than bones and meat
and sun-scarred skin) that is
no longer fully mine, letting something
out to swim and twist and sink
as wind and tides will let it, within
the boundaries of the blood-deep sea.
Tags:
vaalski: (Default)
PRACTICING
Marie Howe


I want to write a love poem for the girls I kissed in seventh grade,
a song for what we did on the floor in the basement

of somebody’s parents’ house, a hymn for what we didn’t say but thought:
That feels good or I like that, when we learned how to open each others’ mouths

how to move our tongues to make somebody moan. We called it practicing, and
one was the boy, and we paired off – maybe six or eight girls – and turned out

the lights and kissed and kissed until we were stoned on kisses, and lifted our
nightgowns or let the straps drop, and Now you be the boy.

Concrete floor, sleeping bag or couch, playroom, game room, train room, laundry.
Linda’s basement was like a boat with booths and portholes

instead of windows. Gloria’s father had a bar downstairs with stools that spun,
plush carpeting. We kissed each other’s throats.

We sucked each others’ breasts, and we left marks, and never spoke of it upstairs
outdoors, in daylight, not once. We did it, and it was

practicing, and slept, sprawled so our legs still locked or crossed, a hand still lost
in someone’s hair … and we grew up and hardly mentioned who

the first kiss really was — a girl like us, still sticky with the moisturizer we’d
shared in the bathroom. I want to write a song

for that thick silence in the dark, and the first pure thrill of unreluctant desire
just before we made ourselves stop.
vaalski: (Default)
Etiology

With my hand laid against your cheek I feel
much bigger than I am and, for a moment,

it’s almost like I own you, like I hold a certain
power over you who are so delicate and just

for that reason I see you not as my friend
but as a conquest and I as conqueror, and

for a heartbeat I think that I might strike you
until you lean your face into my palm

and smile, perhaps seeing some early fire
flashing in my half-shut eyes, or the teeth

I have not quite bared, and then underneath
I feel all my fierceness crumble and I

become tame, like the first of wild dogs.
Tags:
vaalski: (Default)
Naked knees locked together, we are lying
flat on our backs with books
on our bellies. We talk
in line length and rhythm - we stare up
at the ceiling, our hands pushing 
into the empty air between us.
The fan flickers light-patterns
over the walls and your body. The bed
groans beneath us, the heat
presses our hips and shoulders down
against the mattress, your fingers
tangle in the sheets. 



Not anywhere near done - this is, I think, all leadup to what the poem is actually about. Still. I will work on it later.
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